When something stirs, I'm standing still.
Seeking answers, of their own will.
I can't distinguish right and wrong,
when everything that I've done right,
has turned into something maybe I've done wrong.

I'm not finding peace,
in almost anything I do.
When fighting for what makes me happy,
some days I feel like parts are confused.

Why do things that make every day sweet,
slap me, and sneak up on me,
feeling like the world is a huge cheat.
I look at everything, and
look for what I can do.

But everything I ever have done,
was for everyone else,
and I'm somehow not a someone.

Aching for reality,
of something that's coming that's good,
because so many things I've done
up until this point,
have been to make others happy,
and somehow I feel lost.

I want all these bad things
to come to an end.
Go back to when I felt nothing but at peace,
and now, I am curious how to defend,
what's mine, and rightfully,
maybe I'll never know.

I guess until it hits me in the face,
I'll be buried in questions of unknown.

Is that even nice to say?

Oh I don't care.

Apparently my ex had filed for a divorce and child custody back in December 16, 2008. For custody of our kids who have BEEN with me since November 14, 2008 in Pennsylvania. Have I mentioned he's in AL? So I filed for custody today here in PA, and was advised to call the Prothonatary office in Etowah county (Gasden, AL) and see if I had any petitions filed against me.

Low and behold, there was, as I stated above. Well the custody (temporary) was granted in Febuary of 2009. I had never received any paperwork in the mail for divorce or custody. at all.. not even anyone I know has receieved any for Custody. So as it stands currently I am having to find a lawyer in AL who can go to court on my behalf to have the motions he filed against me dismissed by the court because the current jurisdiction of the children is PA and has been 7 months in a few days. I was not able to file custody or for divorce til I'd been up in PA (where we are now) Until I'd resided here in PA for 6 months. So I didn't, and since I never received paperwork for the hearings in AL, then they technically don't even exist to me. But because he'd already filed in AL now I have to have those motioned to dismiss in order to finish this out in the state of PA.

I have had my kids since I left. Sparing you with the ugly details, let's just say the ex's mental state is nowhere near something that an adult dealing with custody should inherrit. Especially considering I've tried to work things out for the benefit of the kids, to work things out jointly instead of filing for sole custody, which I am now doing because he'd threatened to take my kids from me.

Anyways.. so the courts awarded him custody in febuary because I didn't show up in court, but considering I never received any papers regarding the court date or anything of the sort, and they awarded custody to someone who didn't HAVE physical custody of the kids, even if it was temporary, how do you do that? how do you lie to the court saying you have custody and want temporary custody of kids if you don't have them with you?

He supposedly delivered it to 'several' addresses, and non of which ever got to me, and never were received at the addresses??? I'm so at a loss because I have no idea how this is going to go. I'm trying desporately to find a lawyer down there, and considering today was the first I'd heard that there was actual petitions filed against me in Alabama, I have to take care of that before finishing it out here.

GOD how fucking frustrating. I already have had trouble sleeping, and even functioning. And now I have to worry about all this until I get this worked out. WHAT THE FUCK. :( I just want it over with. And it's so damned scary worrying bout the welfare of your children. He's a mental case. The best way for me to describe him would be one of those great husbands that you see on a Lifetime movie network movie, that end up going nuts. I literally am afraid of him being alone with them because of things he's said and done. HOW do you express that to a judge? You can't even mention it apparently. It's all just on the best welfare of your kids. Even though he'd threatened to kill himself in front of the kids, I should have told the EMT that came to the house the one night when I'd thought he was having a heart attack that he'd said it when they asked. but being that I didn't want to traumatize the kids any mroe then they already were going to be. I lied. and said no. but his mental state has not improved, it's only downward spiralled, and I can't do anything until I talk to a lawyer there. Otherwise. The court date for custody is here July 8th, 2009. And NOW I just have to get his flushed out of the AL system.

Because he filed months ago, there is jurisdiction, but how is that possible if I was never served papers? I'm so fucking confused. -.-

Today is a beautiful day.
You stay by my side
every step of the way.
I cant believe you are
so in love with me,
its like died and
gone to heaven but you
are right beside me.
How do i make up
for all that you do,
i couldnt possibly
just deserve you.
I am dying for the day
i can be named your wife,
it cant come soon enough
i have waited my entire life.
To learn that love
can come so naturally,
without needing to pay with
unimaginable prices to get
what i want and need.
I waited so long to find you,
and here you found me.
It is so true,
when you are looking
for something it will never be.
So now i sit beside you
in so many public places,
without having to be insecure,
because you give me so much pride,
and they see it on our faces.
LRN 6.5.09

I soak into your eyes
with me you know
you have no disguise
I see who you are
without any disregard.
The pale uncertainty
about waking every day
seeing your body
and not reflecting your soul
day after day.
I see what is inside
and I understand
more then you realize.
Your skin burns
at the site of parts of you
that do not match
the man hidden deep inside.
The man I love
who I would sacrifice my soul
to snap my fingers
and make you whole.
I ache inside to know that I
can't change the fact
that your outside, is inside.
That the world does not
accept you as a whole,
that pain you feel
reflects in your eyes.
I would kill to
wipe away those tears
that you're hiding behind.
When I kiss your lips
I see my future husband,
your hands create security
and your strengths
bring me to my senses.
I cannot help but sympathise
wanting to do all that I can
to even understand.
So someday we can
make it easier to grow,
as a group of individuals
being that we know
that inside these shells
you've survived in for so long,
is tearing at your defenses
in pieces clawing out layers
peeling it away,
what you love to hate
but struggling
to find your own
not naturally born identity.
The journey that you venture into
is mighty long,
in the long run satisfying
piecing the puzzle bit by bit
that gives you a sense of complete.
No more hiding behind binders,
no more Mr. When it's Misses.
No more Misses When it's Mr.
No more wishing to see facial hair
or wishing it would disapear.
no more breasts that get in your way,
nor staring at your chest
wishing that them you could gain.
Those stares that are
so very quizzical
and words that sting your heart.
We would see you plain as day,
without any doubt getting
in your way.
Your mother and your father,
would see you as you are,
without contradicting your words
they would faithfully
stand right by your side.
No more doubt to shadow your road,
and no more questions asking 'why'.
The battle of identity fitting your frame,
nor false truth to hide from society,
they may look at you with shame,
defiance and uncertainty
whom are seriously non knowledgable fools,
disgusting idiots, I'd have to say,
Freedomless, fighting for nothing tools.
Just before you close your eyes,
know there are those of us
who stand sternly by your sides.
We see you for who you are
and accept you with open arms.
Despite the entire world
looking down on you,
don't hide behind your fears,
we'll back you up
and help prevent those tears.
one day equality will supersede,
break the walls down
of all of their selfish needs.
Don't place the blame on God,
for creating who you are now,
as you are part of a large number,
of individuals placed on earth
to show the world
that diversity is beautiful,
and starting with knowing
exactly who you are...
goes against the expected grains,
of so many carbon copies
all over this world,
we will prove it's OK,
to not all be the same.

LRN 6.1.2009

Destroy this fear
take this trembling
secure where I stand here
deteriorate that arrogance
walk away,
and never second glance.
these eyes are loyal
for only one,
I gave you your chances,
you blew them all away
so now I'm erasing
every single yesterday,
that had everything
to do with you.

LRN 6.1.2009

I'm waiting to feel normal
instead of head below the water
I'm drowning in my fears.

tomorrow I am hoping to plainly be
secure in my surroundings
where everything is beautiful that I see.

I wipe my hands clean of sorrow
and living for me and my future
walking out the door to my better tomorrow.

I cannot withstand this weight anymore
feels like I am collapsing continuously to the floor
stumbling and struggling, aching at the core.

Swimming in a pool of hatred
hoping to walk away with some dignity
learn from my past, and not use it against me.

I drew a picture in my mind of sanity
can you imagin it was blank and grey
there is no sanity in a world full of hatred.

Apparently the clouds of judgement
have greyed these skies to thick walls
barriers to the outside, not allowing sunlight in.

the ice around your heart breaks cold
wandering the dark, crowded highway
of miserable, misplaced souls seeking their homes.

I cannot fathom constantly looking down
on a world of people scrambling for love,
and you're at the top, looking but non to be found.

One day there will come a time
when there will be no world to commit any crime
and hearts left to tear by selfish demise.

LRS 6.1.2009

<input ... ><input ... >That I never wanted to say
and mean but you've destroyed
so much innocence in me,
that I am not sure of
my ending or beginning
you have sucked so much
out of me when I was
so easy to conform
to each of you're selfish needs.

Now that I am not there to use,
you insist on trying to hurt me
at whatever expense to abuse,
the children you profess to love
only because you can't have
what you want
and I will never be yours again.

I can't change that all you see
is two feet in front of you
and you don't care who you hurt
to get what you think you need.
I can't hide behind closed doors
when I did everything for you
you didn't care that I was yours
I was invisible until you
wanted to be pleased.

I lost who I actually was
you took my identity
made me who you wanted me to be.
As I grew and learned I was
so much more,
you suffocated me,
until I no longer wanted to breath.

Ignored my cries to be
who I wanted to be,
and pushed me to the
edge of my own sanity,
nearly broken to the core
I was slipping to my knees,
begging to be bloody and bruised,
instead of you ignoring me.

Now that I have left the hole
I was buried in,
you continue to push and try to tear me down.
Seeking satisfaction, that will never come from me
I promise you you will never receive.

I am tired of thinking it is all in my head
that someday I would be kneeling at your feet,
I would rather be dead.

You have no control,
over who you thought was me,
nor anything in my life,
my guilt for you has ceased.

You had your love of a lifetime,
and chose to abuse it because you
couldn't understand,
that to be loved unconditionally
you must do the same to deserve it in return.

And instead of hurting people to get what you want
you are supposed to sacrifice
everything that you are,
to make others around you happy and secure...
Especially the mother of your children,
who left you,
because you forgot I ached too.

Now. you have no Wife.
Not that anyone should ever take pity on you.

LRN 5.31.09

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I don't care about the things you've done,
I don't care where you come from.
my life became reality, when I chose you,
and you chose me.

I can't imagine a day without,
your silly faces and the love I've found
that simple hello means so much more then
a life of sadness I had before.

I'll never neglect you, or push you away
you've earned every part of me,
and starting today,
the rest of our lives will be evermore,
happier still since I became yours.

The day God graced you on earth,
was forever my most blessed day,
since I was able to meet you and love you
I believe way more in better yesterdays.

Maybe I missed the train when
I made my mistakes,
the ones I won't anymore name,
it's about time I flush out my past since,
you are my future, and we will forever last.

Compiled in a group of love songs,
every feeling you could ever say,
there are not enough hours or minutes
to express them in one single day.

Just when I thought I couldn't love you more,
I wake up next to you,
smell your beautiful skin,
and I'm showered with everything
that you are.

I have always distinguished what was
right and wrong,
and until the day I die, I swear
our hearts will always be one.

I could never find another
love like this,
that's why I was waiting on you,
so that I'd never miss,
Another day of what is truly real,
and everything you make me feel.

LRN 5.30.2009
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